Category Archives: Impressions

Consideration, Impressions, Quality, Relationships, Socialites

Social Climbers

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Everyone has met a few of them…..you go to a cocktail party, and are introduced to someone who has an inflated view of their self worth, and is constantly looking over the shoulder of the person they are speaking with in case someone more important comes through the door. Some of them are more elegant and discreet than others, and some think they are above it all, and their disgraceful behaviour  towards others is totally normal. Whether or not you are 16, 26 or 60, we have unfortunately all been at the mercy of those who think they are somehow special, and deserve to hob nob only with the rich and famous.

One of the things about growing older (not me, of course!) is that hindsight is truly 20/20. As someone who has met some of the wealthiest and most prominent people in the world, it is fairly hard to impress me, and simply money is certainly not the way to do it. Having grown up in London, my perceptions are somewhat moulded by my childhood abroad.

At recent garden party, one incredibly rude guest RSVP’d, then turned up and took all the fruit from one of the host’s fruit bushes to make jam. She came into the kitchen to survey the crowd, and when she ascertained that there was no-one there sufficiently important for her, off she went, with no thank you, no excuses, other than the fact that she had ‘things to do’. One must ask the following questions…..1. Why did she RSVP to say she was coming.

2. If she had time to drive all the way over, certainly she had time to stay for a cocktail. 3. What could possibly be so important that she should snub everyone in the room by making it evident that she didn’t consider them important enough.4. And most importantly, the hosts had planned their menu based upon the number of guests who had mentioned they would be coming. It is rude and disrespectful to have your hosts provision food and drink for you and then not have the good manners to at least stay a while and participate.

Yes, we all had a truly lovely time, and interestingly the group had no social climbers, so everyone mingled and exchanged ideas and knowledge. Many chairs were exchanged so that people could move about and speak with each other. The sign of a successful party and very generous hosts.

There is some tasty irony in this story, inasmuch as this same ‘turbo-prop setter’ as opposed to a ‘jet-setter’ went bankrupt several years ago and lived at the generosity of several people over the years, yet continued to carry on as if the homes in which she resided were actually hers, instead of the truth, which was that she was actually living at the generosity of her hosts.

It appears to me, that if anyone should make an attempt to be generous, it is her, yet it appears etiquette is something sorely missing in her vocabulary. She has forgotten that she would have been living in the street if it wasn’t for the generosity of others.

Another well known social climber and snob is actually the mistress to a fairly wealthy married man. Seeing her walk down the street with her dark glasses is something to behold, yet many know exactly how her rent is paid, and it certainly isn’t with cash. She has decided that although the man will never divorce his current wife and marry her, that somehow she is special, and deserves special treatment, and only the best. The Hermes bags which are flashed are actually fakes, albeit good ones, the Chanel shoes are also copies, yet the arrogance and attitude of this woman and sense of entitlement are astounding, not to mention  the condescending  way she speaks and actually pronounces when she makes a statement, as if we should actually all be in awe of her.

Another social climber came into a dining room where 20 –25 people were seated, interrupted the speaker and the entire room to introduce her guest, and brag about what function she was coming from. She kept on for at least 10 minutes until the hostess was obliged to ask if they were staying or leaving. Funnily enough, they were actually leaving. Once she checked out the room and decided that there were bigger fish to be had elsewhere, she announced that she had other stops to make and would be running off.  Translation, she was going to the next event to see if the people were more important with her ‘posse’ in tow.

Several months ago, I ran into a woman I have known for over 30 years while  in a shop , after not seeing one another for several years. NOT someone I particularly care to socialise with. I was absolutely interrogated as to what I had been up to and with whom. It wasn’t successful on her part, as I always refuse to participate in the ‘my friends are better than yours’ game. This was actually one of the few times that I was publicly rude to someone. Her loud squeaky voice is jarring, and can be heard across any store. The questioning game was so astounding that at one point I advised her I was late as I was meeting someone at my house to write music, something I have been doing for a very long time, She squealed loudly that she was unaware I had ever done anything artistic or musical in my life, and this was news to her. Enough being enough, I finally turned around and suggested that if she had spent even 10% of the time actually getting to know me as opposed to gossiping about me behind my back, perhaps she would have actually known that I had been writing for years, and that in fact, she might actually have more interesting friends if she actually asked about people genuinely as opposed to always gossiping about everyone behind their back.

She is one of these women who have had the same group of friends forever, and they sit around and absolutely  rip everyone to shreds if they don’t know them, with a self-righteous tone, which is so sad, the joy of life is actually getting to know people from different races and walks of life so that one can learn and appreciate.

I never understood this game.

Young and old, we all face these individuals. Some of us realize who they are and what the game is,and learn to smile brightly while one is being questioned. Others are offended. The big question to ask, is, 30 years on, what on earth has been accomplished by being a rude social climber when decidedly you are in the same place you started 30 years before.

Is there a lesson in this? Yes, open your mind and more importantly use your ears instead of your mouth. You might be pleasantly surprised.

Impressions, Privacy, Quality

Customer Loyalty Programs

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……fabulous or an invasion of privacy?

They are a double edged sword.

Companies are convincing their clients to sign up for all sorts of Customer Loyalty Programs ostensibly to reach certain levels and receive gifts or free travel. In exchange, companies are collecting extensive experience on their clients buying habits, from restaurants, travel, pharmacy, clothes and groceries, which they are then mining for trends. If a client consistently purchases expensive clothes, then their information is sold to third parties for cash and the client is solicited by other companies for credit cards, cars and other products. Although in the last few years it has been mandatory to request permission to share the information, it is not always the case. This crosses and interesting line between misuse of information and invasion of privacy, in many cases, both personal and corporate.

In days of old, there was an interpersonal relationship between merchant and client, where the client would ask the merchant to please advise them of certain items coming into the shop, or sales.

Some people I know put every possible expenditure they can on their corporate credit card in order to collect travel points, and then use the points to travel internationally for free,  which can be an interesting compensation for someone who travels extensively on company business. Other people use their credit cards for everything from groceries to gas, and collect points.

In the electronic age, there is no such thing as privacy, the more information is collected, the more is known about you. A lot of people use the argument, ‘I have nothing to hide’, however, that is not really the case. Do you really want someone, unknown to you, to be able to do a lifestyle analysis on you and track your purchases, travels and buying habits?  From personal hygiene products to drugs?

Do you really think it is a good idea for strangers to be able to mine your life and find out what doctors you visit, what stores you frequent, what restaurants you eat in, and how much you spend on groceries versus restaurants every week?

One frightening bit of information which is unknown to most people, is that the credit bureau also hosts all the insurance data, so, it is not a large stretch of the imagination, to envisage the day when one required to fill in an application form for a loan, and be obliged to allow the insurance information to be provided as well. Think about it. The next step after that is job applications where this information must be provided. Then what?

Big Brother is Watching.

Consideration, Impressions, Quality, Relationships

The Dating Game

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There have been more books and articles written on this subject, being that it effects both sexes equally. How to find a Millionaire, How to know if He/She is Cheating, an overabundance of “How-To’ sex manuals, and of course more romance novels than one could ever imagine, and of course, love songs.

Common sense seems to go out the window where love is concerned. No matter how brilliant someone is, love turns this giant genius with an over the charts IQ to mush. In our lifelong quest to find the perfect partner, we tend to overlook what, to our friends and families, turn out to be the monumental flaws of the loved one, and the list of horrors applies equally to both sexes. Members of the ‘fairer’ sex can be so cruel, manipulative, scheming and downright dishonest that it is unbelievable.

Take one successful businesswoman, quoted internationally with press coverage which is amazing, she has mastered the art of re-stating works of others, then promoting them as works of her own. Her Rolodex (using the expression to make a point) would put most senior executives to shame, all brightly coded as to their level of usefulness. Ministers, Presidents, Socialites, Members of the Press, they are all cleverly encoded. The level of Military Style precision in knowing how to network in order to meet her prey is something that most military strategists could use as a ‘how to’ guide. She has had multiple affairs and marriages, and has continued numerous affairs throughout her marriages and relationships, and in fact slept in one bed with one man, got up in the morning, went to the courthouse and married someone else. Yes ,you did read correctly, went home to bed with her current man, got up, changed and went to marry someone else. Boyfriend was called throughout the day by friends asking what was going on, and subsequently had the news confirmed in the press. He unfortunately suffered a nervous breakdown, his friends were horrified. Within months of her marriage, she was having steamy affairs with a myriad of other men, some single, some married, all extremely wealthy, including one older titled one in France. She continued her research, not happy with her latest husband, and met her new victim . She detailed his friends and lifestyle, associates, clubs, interests and habits with a fervor  which was unmatched. He was married, and living a very public life with his current wife. She was able to be introduced to them at several affairs, and flirted madly with him, snaring her latest catch. A very, very rich large catch. Will this marriage last?  The question blows in the wind. The only thing she is now missing is a title, and it is believed that through her international contacts, she is keeping that option open.

Another local socialite who was seeing more than one well-heeled gentleman, decided that it was time to settle down, she gave them all the same ultimatum, at the same time, propose or leave. One unfortunate lad was truly in love with her, but not in a position to propose, he left on a business trip for a couple of weeks, and returned to be told that she was engaged to someone else, and the Banns had been posted in the church, the announcement in the newspapers, the invitations and wedding venue chosen. When he explained that he hadn’t formally proposed, he was actually threatened by the ‘lady’s’ father with a lawsuit. He went through with the wedding. Within a year, his loving bride discovered that although he was famous, he was not financially very viable. She began a series of affairs and promptly divorced him and married someone else, much higher up the food chain. This time however, her mother had done careful financial background checks to ensure that he was as wealthy as people thought.

She has had extensive facial and body re-constructive surgery, and has created a beauty, unrecognizable from her previous self, combined with her extraordinary PR in international magazines, she has mastered the art of re-invention. She has re-located to London and is also seeking a husband with a title and a family seat. The storm of PR is amazing. The reality of her true self is astounding. A very middle class background, no formal education to speak of, totally re-invented family tree. One has to ask oneself, if these highly successful business men know to what extent their wives manipulated them to become their wives, or do they only see the trophy wife on their arm and are oblivious to the rest.

One flak suggested that a lot of these men are total predators in business and are flattered with all the attention bestowed upon them with these women. The pre-nup out the window in many cases. Some of these women will do whatever is necessary in order to acquire the wealth.

All this brings me to one last anecdote…of an overweight socialite who met the partner of a large legal firm at a dinner party, only to discover that he was single, wealthy, and had properties scattered about the globe, albeit 25 years her senior. She threw herself at him and made herself available to him for social events and dinner parties. When his health took a turn for the worst (it was well known that he was ill) she made her way to the hospital to sit at his side and never left. She expressed her love to him and how much she wanted to be his wife, so the minister was sent to the hospital room and they were married. He lived on much longer than the six months to a year that was expected, and her unpleasantness towards him was horrific. She was secretly hoping he would die as soon as they were married. She now lives in his spectacular home and lives the jet-set life, wintering

in the island home, summering somewhere else, and jetting to Europe at a moment’s notice.

Due to the speed to the wedding, there was no pre-nup.

So is there such a thing as true love? Absolutely. And it is something that occurs when one least expects from the person you least expect if from.

People who fall in love for all the right reasons have no reason to cheat, lie or cat around, as they know that they have found  perfection, which doesn’t necessarily have the biggest bank account or the best looks. Look around you and see the older couples holding hands and smiling at each other, they may know the secret of life.

Consideration, Impressions, Quality

Telephone Etiquette

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There is nothing more infuriating to me than someone who insists they absolutely, positively, must speak to me urgently at the office, who have associates interrupt what I am doing to take an ‘urgent’ telephone call from someone soliciting me because they have decided I MUST have the product they are selling. From Financial Planners, Insurance Agents, Computer Repair companies, Charities, Telephone and Internet providers offering great deals (why didn’t they offer the great deal when you signed up originally?)  My immediate reaction to these individuals is to tell them to remove my name from their list and never call again, ever.

Perhaps (probably) I am old fashioned, but as a customer, I should be able to decide what I want, when I want it, from whom I want it, and when I want it, and not have an overly aggressive telemarketer make that decision for me.

The most hilarious ones are those who, when hearing a female voice, order you to pass the call to the President of the company. .My response, ‘How may I help you?” then more aggression…..and insistence that they speak with the President.One went so far as to ask for my name and threatened to report me to my supervisors, I continued to politely inquire who was on the phone, the reason for the call, the name of their company and then their supervisor. More screams. I finally let the abusive telemarketer that I was the President of the company, and this behaviour was not acceptable.

The best sales individuals are those who ask if it is convenient to speak and if not, when it would be appropriate to follow up. Let the client set the parameters.

One can argue vigorously on both sides of the equation, that timing is everything. You could miss that golden opportunity when someone else gets there first and makes the sale of the century. Unfortunately, the flip side is lurking in the background, the client finds the calls annoying and requests that you never call again, when do you draw the line?

With email, voice mail,  Blackberry’s,Iphone’s, and all the various and sundry communication devices available today, a remarkable number of people have completely forgotten about etiquette. If someone calls you, regardless of whether or not you think you want to speak with them, RETURN THE CALL. You never know. Someone could be trying to sell you a service or product you don’t want, take the call, politely spend one minute with them and give them the benefit of the doubt. Then, in the event you are not interested in them or their product, advise them that it would be a waste of time to call again, and as everyone’s time is valuable, it would be in everyone’s best interest.

We call people all the time, sometimes it is for references, information, product information, or to follow-up on a referral. It is incredible the number of people who don’t have the common courtesy to return the call.

We have discovered over the years, that it is one of the easiest ways to establish their actual level in a company and relative salary. Our rule of thumb now is that the more easily accessible someone is, the higher up the food chain they actually are. The more difficult they are to reach by email or telephone, they are trying to show the world how important they are and how busy, but in fact they are low level managers on the fast track to nowhere.

We hear that in the world of dating, people now leave voicemail messages that they don’t want to continue their relationships, and ‘have a nice life’ …which is the height of disrespect. If you no longer wish to be with someone, and have shared time together, do the right thing, and speak to them in person and tell them, even if the conversation becomes unpleasant. You never know where or how you will run into the person in the future.  If you once cared about them, and things have changed, it is no reason to be rude.

In the world of social climbing, it is also the new way for people to cut out those who they no longer deem to be socially acceptable. There are endless stories of people being un-invited to events and the message being left on voice mail. Would you like it to happen to you? Do you REALLY think you are that special?

Don’t ever forget, what goes up comes down even faster, harder and messier…..it can be your social life, career, anything, and people do remember rudeness, and as is human nature, it will be their great pleasure to give you back what you gave to them…..

Consideration, Impressions, Quality

Honorifics

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Miz, Miss, Misses, Mister, Doctor, Sir, Madame, Your Honor…these are titles which were created for a reason..try to remember that, and use them as appropriate.

In Europe for the most part, people continue to use and honor titles, and are in fact still fairly awed by them, however in North America, everyone seems to wish to show how equal they are, even when they are not.

There is nothing more unpleasant than a shop clerk, telemarketer, customer service representative,

receptionist, condescending gate-keeper at a restaurant, who takes it upon themselves to call you by your first name. As the CLIENT, if strikes me that it is my choice by which title I wish to be addressed, not them. Furthermore, abbreviating my name and calling me ‘ROZ’ is the rudest one can possibly be. I am not, have never been, will never be, ROZ, but it is amazing the number of service people who have taken it upon themselves not only to call me by my first name, but to abbreviate it as well.

If someone has spent most of their life getting an education, they don’t want to be called ‘Dave’ if their name is David and they are a medical doctor, likewise the judge who finds himself being called by his first name in a shop after the clerk has seen his first name on a credit card.

I have experienced former Prime Ministers being approached by total strangers who address them by their first name and spoken to totally casually, although they have never met.

Take note folks, there are a lot of us out there who find you offensive. We pay your salary. If we become insulted enough, we will take our custom elsewhere, and you will be out of a job.

Consideration, Impressions, Quality

First Impressions

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Over the years, many people have told me that I should write a book due to the unbelievable number of anecdotes emanating from thousands of meetings and interviews. Every business book you have ever read on ‘Dressing for Success’  starts out screaming at the reader that one only has 3 seconds to make  a good first impression. Unfortunately, far too many people base their so-called great  instincts on first impressions. Over the years, the one thing that is  clear to me, is that they are usually totally wrong.

Growing up in England with an extremely well-connected and elegant  grandmother, I was constantly being chastened about my behavior, and told that a model child should be ‘Seen and Not Heard’, “Speak you are spoken to’ , ‘Say ‘yes, please, no, I beg your pardon’, and respectful of elders. This was repeated AD NASEUM, and was learned the hard way. Being high energy, precocious, and inquisitive were not welcomed. The smallest squeak, and I was dragged out of whatever restaurant, party  or private home, and delivered home, to consider my actions. Other words of wisdom included the very interesting moniker, ‘always treat everyone you meet politely and equally. You never know when the  man you believe is the gardener is the Lord of the Manor, and the upper-class twit with the attitude and holier-than-thou airs, is in fact the butler.

The other one I loved was ‘Treat your servants with kindness and the  utmost of respect as they know all your darkest, deepest secrets”. As  painful as was this learning experience, as useful it has become as an  adult.

Several years ago, I was in the Royal Enclosure at Ascot, and met an  older couple in their mid to late seventies. They allowed me to sit  with them, and after speaking with them for some time, they kindly  invited me to tea. They were the epitome of charming, but more  importantly, they were totally smitten with one another even after 50 years of marriage. They kept sneaking little touches and glances at  one another, the rub of a hand or arm, and the look in their  eyes. ..it was like being with 2 love struck teenagers. They were  absolutely charming.

Both of them were wearing clothes that were old and frayed. In the  course of the afternoon , they lost 19 pounds on the races, and  decided to leave before the last race and the rush for the car parks. They insisted that I look them up upon my next trip to London and join  them for tea.

Later on, I ran into some of my friends and was quizzed about my  relationship with them. I said that I had only just met them, but had enjoyed a thoroughly delightful afternoon in their company. Once the laughter had subsided, one of my friends asked if I had any idea who they were other than a ‘sweet older couple’ . I replied that  I had their names but little else. I was then informed that they reside in an enormous castle with artworks on the walls which most museum curators would die for.

There was no attitude, no pretention….they were totally unassuming and self effacing. I enjoyed every second I spent with them, the gift  of their gentleness and love makes me smile as I write. To continue in the theme….

I finally got to learn first hand the expression ‘flabbergasted’ or   ‘dumbstruck’ when in the company of another acquaintance.

We were on a trip together, and this individual regularly struck up conversations with total strangers in restaurants, shops, bars, always  talking about himself and his amazing ‘lifestyle’ . A bubbly  personality who is larger than life, and has an incredible ability to  create a buzz about himself.

People flock like flies to honey.  Entertaining stories about  international trips to exotic locales, island retreats, New York, Palm  Beach, private jets, eating in some of the ‘hottest’ restaurants and clubs in the world. Total strangers flock to be part of the ‘action’  total strangers pick up the tab in bars and restaurants. Invitations  are extended for even more fabulous parties. It is extraordinary how  highly successful business people and politicians are drawn in as if by a magnet, unable to stop themselves.

It is as if they all are hoping that some of this exotic lifestyle and  success will rub off. By being in the presence of such an amazing individual, it will somehow render them more desirable. The harsh reality of this individual, is that they are virtually bankrupt. A rented car, a rented apartment, no savings, credit cards  maxed out.

This example relates equally to both sexes, the fast talking merchant  banker in the $5000 suits and $120,000 car talking about his multi- million dollar deals. Lies in a room in a private club in one city, in a shack in the poor part of another city. Wears the most amazing  designer clothes….all purchased in Vintage stores for a fraction of  the retail price. The girls swoon over him, see instant husband  material, and can visualize their glamorous lifestyles with him jetting around the planet to their even more glamorous homes.

No-one pays the nerdy, pimply computer kid any attention. He is  ignored when he tries to shop, be it for clothes, a car, or in a restaurant. The service staff automatically assume he is broke, and they would rather serve someone who has the means. How wrong they are.  He is worth over $100 million and is under 30. …and he won’t forget.There are many urban legends about people like him buying a business  only to be able to fire the people who treated him poorly.

I recently interviewed a young Asian fellow for a technical computer  position. Upon shaking his hand and feeling the strength in it, I  looked up at his arms and shoulders, then inquired which Martial Arts he studied. He looked at me strangely, and inquired if because he was  Asian I was singling him out. I looked at him quizzically and offered  an answer that was totally unexpected. It was that due to the strength  of his handshake and the musculature of his arms and shoulders, it was  clear to me that he did. He then looked at me, smiled, and inquired if  in fact I had also studied Martial Arts. I told him yes, I had, that I  had looked at Jiu Jitsu, Karate and Kendo. We ended up having a very  interesting conversation about Martial Arts and Southeast Asia. It  turned out that he had only been to Asia for 3 days in his life, and  spoke virtually no Vietnamese, where I had spent considerable time  there, and had a much deeper knowledge and understanding of various  Asian cultures.

The last person in the world with which he expected to have a  conversation like this one, was with a white female.

He thanked me at the end of our meeting for what was one of the most  interesting 2 hours of his life. For many years, I have been visiting Palm Beach, Florida, during the  winter, and realized after many years that one of the things I like  the most is the lack of ‘attitude’ with the service staff in the shops and restaurants. As they are serving some of the wealthiest people in  the US, there is no way to know whether the person in the torn jeans is poor or worth millions, so they err on the side of politeness. It  is wonderful.

Perhaps it is time for most businesses to take a lesson from this tiny  town. All of us have experienced the wrath of the ‘clip-board’ gate-keeper from hell, been given a table next to the toilet, or left standing for ages when we are in a rush, so that the staff can finish their  personal telephone call to their best friend. I have taken to walking out of establishments that allow this type of  behavior. Over time, it has been interesting to note what percentage  of them disappear.

The longest standing restaurants and shops are the ones who recognize  their customers and treat them accordingly. As the person who pays  their bills.

Keep reading….there will be more on this subject……….